Monday, February 13, 2012

A Grim Rant on the First Trimester of My Second Pregnancy

11 weeks- baby is lime-sized

I'm so thankful it's over. I'm so thankful that I kept my cool...for the most part. Or maybe I just won't tell you about the time where I wanted to strangle the well-meaning employee at Chipotle for forgetting to put my side order of guacamole, (the only food I could eat that night) into my take-out order and only discovered it after my husband arrived home with our meal. Speaking of food, did you know that in some rare, desperate cases some local restaurants will deliver food to your home even though they don't regularly deliver their food? Thank you MJ's Cafe. You saved my life a few times. (And they even brought me extra pickles God bless their souls) There were many times where I felt like a failure as a mother, spending my days with my son in front of the TV watching endless amounts of movies instead of our normal social or creative activities and feeding him more convenience foods rather than our usual healthy choices. He sometimes ate Ramen Noodles with me. I may as well have measured out one cup of salt and poured it into some boiling water with some noodles because that's exactly what those "foods" consist of.  I was a poster mom of what NOT to do with your child when you stay home.
belli kisses

 I was so constantly nauseous, (it's not morning sickness, it's 24 hour sickness) that I couldn't eat much and what I could eat wasn't sustaining me.  Cooking, the thought of cooking, and any cooking smells in the house make my gag reflex swing into full action.  I lived on Honey Nut Cheerios, grapes, and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. So really just loads of processed sugar and maybe some nuts and berries like a savage in the wilderness. I couldn't eat any of my normal, healthy foods that make me feel good. It was an ugly cycle of bad food, leading to extremely low energy, many couch days, lost social outlets, and sleepless nights due to hunger. There were weeks at a time where I didn't leave my house and when people did not show any understanding as to why we missed a holiday event, I was left dumbfounded at their lack of empathy.
Vegetarian minestrone for a quiet Thanksgiving at home

 I wasn't surprised when extreme bouts of depression and anxiety started seeping through the cracks of my mind causing me to feel like I wasn't going to be able to handle keeping it together for my one child, and the thought of another on the way seemed like an insurmountable feat. The, "What did I do?" (completely untrue to my heart's desires) types of thoughts were there. There was lots of late night grocery store runs for my husband because being inside a grocery store with all of it's food smells made me want to hurl. He was doing double duties at home while I lay on the couch in nauseous but hungry pains popping Zofran like they were Skittles. My sweet little son at only 2 and a half years old caught on quick to the drastic change in me. "Mommy, come to the store. Please? It's not scary mommy. Come on!" GUILT. "I'm sorry baby, Mommy doesn't feel good right now. I need to rest,"  I would say. The few times I would leave the couch after my husband was home for the night, Aiden would automatically go get me a pillow, my blanket and my trusty pack of Saltines so they would be nearby. It was the sweetest thing, but again made me feel extremely guilty that he felt the need to help me. I should be helping him, he's the child. Once during a difficult car ride out of town my husband told me that when I got out of the car to use the restroom, Aiden looked at him sadly shaking his head saying, "Mommy is sad, Mommy is not good." That one really killed me. I always tried to hide it as best as I could, but as I always knew and even experienced myself as a child-kids know. They are like miniature, mind-x-ray machines and they always know when you are putting up a front. Hopefully he's young enough to forget the three months I was practically an absent mother. There were however a few...shall I emphasize, FEW times that family and friends were available to help which was really nice. One time a good friend offered to take Aiden on a field trip to a wildlife museum for the whole day with her, ah-em THREE other children under three years old. SHE.IS.A.SUPERMOM. and I will forever be grateful for her kindness that day. I am also very grateful to my husband who never, ever gave me a hard time for being difficult, (like I could help it, see how easily you operate when you can't eat and feel like you're about to hurl 24/7), for having the patience of a saint, and for all the extra things he did to make me as comfortable as possible. I will forever be grateful to you my love.
Like any rough patch in life, it's those closest to you who carry you through. Thank you, I am overjoyed that part is over. I'm going to go eat my three course dinner now because I am so happy I can :)

He learned to make lasagna 

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